~irritations & emptiness

These past few weeks have been extremely tough. A lot of things have been happening. Not only am I working, going to school, being a wife, and being a mother, but now im struggling with this whole hormonal, emotional, moody state. Finally after being emotional spent, I went to the doctor and talked to her about about my anxiety, depression, panic, and irritations. And while yes, most of my irritations are not anything I can do, they are still with me. So I am now back on my meds for a little bit to see if I can straighten this whole mood thing out.
Speaking of irritations; I was listening to Joel Osteen the other morning and he said those "irritations" we have are nothing we can change. We have to change ourselves in order to get the peace and patience we need. Those irritations in our life may not ever change but we can change and they can see the good change. Oh and one night Johnny and I were listening to him and he said that if we woke up with a postive attitude to start the day and keep the postivity going, then it would bring out the best in us. If we keep bringing up the negative, with relationships, money, family, and whatever else, then the negative will happen. So now every morning when I wake up, I take my medicine, and try to be positive. So far, this experiment has only been for 2 days. Its going ok. I think it will take me time not to dwell on things.

Other than that, Lyla is 10 months old today!!!! yes 10 months. I need to start planning the birthday party!
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On another note, my dad has been heavily on my mind. Everything that has been going on, I just want to call him. But i know he wont be there. I would do anything to be able to hear his voice just one more time. There are days when I feel so broken because my dad is missing in my heart, soul and life. He is missing out on so much, and yes i know, he is heaven looking down on me and my family but sometimes, that just doesnt seem like enough for me. I just want to be able call him, or go see him and just say hey, i love you. and tell him guess what lyla did today. or just tell him to help me plan her birthday party. I just wish i could look into his eyes and just see him looking back. I dont know. maybe i am just rambling. but even though i think i know why god had me go thru this loss, sometimes i still question it. and yes i know its natural to feel like that BUT still, he is not physically here and that absolutley kills me inside.
depressing.
i know. sorry for the readers who are now crying.
but its just how i feel.
theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about him and how he looked, smelled, hugged, laughed, talked and just his presence.
but i have to remember that those are the things i need to remember.
i have to remember the good times.

(sigh) (deep breath)


HOWEVER, even though there is an emptiness in my heart, and there will always be, i have my family. I have Johnny who is my best friend. (and when i think about the one day i might loose him, like my friend lost her husband, i cant imagine what i would do. it brings tears to my eyes to even think about it) - and then there is Lyla. That little girl is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Some days if i wasnt for her and her smile i dont know how i would go on. I love my family to pieces. I pray to god everyday that he keeps them safe and that they will be with me until forever.