~wishes~

I was looking through my phone and found this under contacts : dad visit - 919-581-1035
How I WISH I could call that number and schedule an appointment.
And I cant bring myself to ever delete that entry because a part of me still wants to call that number. Shoot, I would settle for a glance through a window at this point.
(big sigh and tears)

Just thought I'd get that out there.
And sometimes I say to myself, April stop. He's gone. But I just cant do that, because to me, he is not gone. And I dont want to believe that he is gone. So I will not stop. Its human nature to feel that way. So for now I will just keep wishing.
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On another note, lets talk about how my baby girl is doing! She is soooo smart. Here she is 10 months and almost 2 weeks and she can say "ma-ma" "da-da" "ba-ba" "pa-pa" "lily" "baby" "bye bye" "hey there" and she can (try) to bark :) its soo cute! She is just growing up way to fast! She is not walking yet, but we are working on it. AND still no teeth- but in time that will happen. Her hair is growning out of c ontrol now, its thick and everywhere! When she gets up in the mornings she looks like she been in a wind storm, its funny.
I cant believe that in a little over a month she will be turning 1! I think back to that monday when I went to the doctor because that crazy rash was driving me crazy, and the doctor says "I am going to see if we can get you a room"- I was like, a room where?- She just smiled and left the room. She came back and said be at the hospital at 1pm. At that moment, I will admit, I was scared to death. But boy I'm glad she is here! I would not trade her for anything in the world.

And now this weekend, it will be busy for and lyla. Saturday is a full day! First on the agenda is the MSA walk here in Greenville. Then there is actually 2 birthday parties we need to attend but I am afraid we can only attend one since they are at the same time.....
But we are so excited that we get to see our friends! We have missed them dearly!

Well its that time again..... a new class. accoutning. need i say more? I was working on my homework last night and it became apparent that I needed my sisters 4 year degree right then...... so we shall see how this whole things goes!

~irritations & emptiness

These past few weeks have been extremely tough. A lot of things have been happening. Not only am I working, going to school, being a wife, and being a mother, but now im struggling with this whole hormonal, emotional, moody state. Finally after being emotional spent, I went to the doctor and talked to her about about my anxiety, depression, panic, and irritations. And while yes, most of my irritations are not anything I can do, they are still with me. So I am now back on my meds for a little bit to see if I can straighten this whole mood thing out.
Speaking of irritations; I was listening to Joel Osteen the other morning and he said those "irritations" we have are nothing we can change. We have to change ourselves in order to get the peace and patience we need. Those irritations in our life may not ever change but we can change and they can see the good change. Oh and one night Johnny and I were listening to him and he said that if we woke up with a postive attitude to start the day and keep the postivity going, then it would bring out the best in us. If we keep bringing up the negative, with relationships, money, family, and whatever else, then the negative will happen. So now every morning when I wake up, I take my medicine, and try to be positive. So far, this experiment has only been for 2 days. Its going ok. I think it will take me time not to dwell on things.

Other than that, Lyla is 10 months old today!!!! yes 10 months. I need to start planning the birthday party!
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On another note, my dad has been heavily on my mind. Everything that has been going on, I just want to call him. But i know he wont be there. I would do anything to be able to hear his voice just one more time. There are days when I feel so broken because my dad is missing in my heart, soul and life. He is missing out on so much, and yes i know, he is heaven looking down on me and my family but sometimes, that just doesnt seem like enough for me. I just want to be able call him, or go see him and just say hey, i love you. and tell him guess what lyla did today. or just tell him to help me plan her birthday party. I just wish i could look into his eyes and just see him looking back. I dont know. maybe i am just rambling. but even though i think i know why god had me go thru this loss, sometimes i still question it. and yes i know its natural to feel like that BUT still, he is not physically here and that absolutley kills me inside.
depressing.
i know. sorry for the readers who are now crying.
but its just how i feel.
theres not a day that goes by that i dont think about him and how he looked, smelled, hugged, laughed, talked and just his presence.
but i have to remember that those are the things i need to remember.
i have to remember the good times.

(sigh) (deep breath)


HOWEVER, even though there is an emptiness in my heart, and there will always be, i have my family. I have Johnny who is my best friend. (and when i think about the one day i might loose him, like my friend lost her husband, i cant imagine what i would do. it brings tears to my eyes to even think about it) - and then there is Lyla. That little girl is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Some days if i wasnt for her and her smile i dont know how i would go on. I love my family to pieces. I pray to god everyday that he keeps them safe and that they will be with me until forever.

No title......

The hurricane has come and gone. Now what we have is some damage. The rain and wind came through the front windows in the living room and in our bedroom. So the carpet in those rooms were soaked, and so were the walls underneath the windows. Along with that, the siding and insallation came off on the end of the house were our bedroom is. So we are not sure if the rain came through the wall. We cant feel any moisture from the outside, so we had some people come out and test the walls and carpets for moisutre and of course, it was present. Now, those same people are going to hook up some machines and try to get the moisture out. If they cant get it out, we will be replacing some carpet and that wall. We also had some shingles and stuff blow off the barn, oh and our apple tree is down :(
I called the insurance company and filed the claim and now the adjuster is coming out on sunday. We shall see what he says. Hopefully we can get things fixed pretty quick. I am ready to get my house back in order, especially the outside.

Other than hurricane Irene, lyla is doing great! She is growing up way too fast! She will be 10 months old this month. Yes, 10 months old. It seems like just yesterday I found out i was pregnant. She is now crawling like there is no tomorrow, and she is also trying to stand up on her own. She will stand up from time to time but when she realizes what she's doing, she sits down! So I am thinking real soon she will be wanting to walk. Which reminds me, I need to get her some of those "pre-walker" shoes. She is also saying some new words, other than her ma-ma's and da-da's, she says bye bye (as she wave ) :) and she also says ut- oh... It is soooo cute!!

Mine and Johnny's 2 year wedding anniversary was August 29! I can not believe it has already been 2 years. I think back to our wedding day all the time. The way I looked, and how he cried when he saw me walk down the isle, and how when we read our vowels to each other, we cried even more. That whole day was so full of love, and that love still remains today. I have never in my whole life known a love like I have for Johnny. I never in my life thought I would find such an amazing person. I could go on and on about how much I love him and how he is my best friend in the whole wide world and how many times he saved my life. He is truley by heart and soul.

Well enough of all the sappy stuff....

We also started class last week. And then we missed class this past week due to the hurricane. So I have a ton of work to do.

Other than all that stuff I just talked about, who even knows if anyone reads this thing... but it helps me... so I will continue.

Things here with me are going ok. I love my family to death! They are what keeps me going. Not long after Lyla came along I thought I might need to go back on my meds, but I got that worked out and thought I didnt need them. But now I dont know again. It seems like some weeks I am fine and then other times, I feel like i might fall back into that dark hole again.... So I am torn about what to do. I will talking to Johnny about this issue, seeing as how I talk to him about EVERYTHING-

time to go.........